


I hate you, I love you

by RewindTheExit



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Cuddling & Snuggling, Death, Drunk Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Feeling lonely, Feelings, Fluff, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Rough Sex, Smut, Sweet, Sweet Sex, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25699369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RewindTheExit/pseuds/RewindTheExit
Summary: Rowan Armeniox is a poor lonely outlaw. The Frenchman once dated a young outlaw named Arthur Morgan. They were a couple for two months. Then Arthur left him to join a gang. Rowan still loves Arthur as much as he loved him back there. Arthur left him 16 years ago. It hurts Rowan. The Frenchman has no hope that they will meet again, or that Arthur still love him. He probably won't even recognize him anymore. Both are grown man and changed. But will Rowan and Arthur meet again?
Relationships: Arthur Morgan & Oc, Hosea Matthews/Dutch van der Linde
Kudos: 3





	1. I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you

I hate you I love you  
I hate that I love you  
Don't want to, but I can't put  
Nobody else above you  
I hate you I love you  
I hate that I want you

Gnash - I hate you, I love you  
-  
I sit inside my house in a wooden chair at my wooden table. I sigh. I still think about the days with Arthur. The kisses and cuddles we shared. It hurts. He broke my heart. He just left. It felt as if he had never loved me, or that the time with me meant nothing to him. I sigh. A tear run down my rigt cheek. I let them flow. I'm home, here nobody sees me. I'm a big strong guy, who is and look intimidating. I would never cry anywhere in public. Normally I have my feelings under control. But not when I think of Arthur. There I can't hold myself back. A sob leave my mouth. Just why? He didn't even write me a letter. Nothing. Maybe he just played with me. At the time, I was young and stupid. He was my first boyfriend. And it was so beautiful. At least for me. 

He was the first one I kissed, he was the first one I allowed to have a relationship with me. And all that because I thought he love me as much as I love him. But nada. The first kiss is the one you will always remember maman once said. She was right. I still remember our first kiss, as if it had only happened yesterday. Sure we had a language barrier, he's Welsh but good in English. But I am French, and I still can hardly speak a word of English today. I was kidnapped in France and they brought me too America. I was ten years old. Here they thrown me away like garbage. I miss Maman and Papa. I couldn't even say goodbye to them.

I didn't have anyone here. And I still have nobody, except from my faithful horse. I can't just say "teach me some English" to somebody. The lonelyness is killing me. Arthur was the only one I could trust. The only one who didn't look at me like I'm a huge piece of shit. He... He always seemed to accept me. He always said I'm beautiful. I believed him. But now. I don't know anymore. I don't know wich is the bloody truth. The only thing I know is that I loved this bastard. I still love him. Sometimes I think of him. Actually once or twice a week to be honest. And everytime I think about him, I start to cry. Like a little girl. I'm an outlaw. I kill people without feeling anything. Except from rage sometimes. I'm a big muscular and strong man, I'm 33 years old now. And here I sit and cry over somebody, who seemed to didn't even love me back. I was 17 at that time, and Arthur 20 years old. Now he's 36 I believe.

I wonder if he still think about me, or if he forgot me. I sob again. Meanwhile I cry heavily. Fuck! I love him, but at the same time I hate him. I'm torn. I sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't hanged myself yet. I mean I'm lonesome, and the feelings for Arthur are killing me. I just can't do it anymore! I wonder if he is happy with his gang. I don't know. I get up, and walk to the bathroom. There I put some cold water from the bucket with my hands into my face. It helps a bit. Then I dry my face, and look into the mirror. Only my red eyes tell that I was crying. I shave my face completely clean. Then I go back to the table again, and sit down on the chair again. Everyday is the same. When I'm not killing people, mostly I kill O'Driscoll's, then I'm sitting here bored or cry because of Arthur.

Or I sit by my horse. I don't have the money to go into a bar. I need it for food, whisky and bullets. Water I get at the river and meat I get from the animals. I usually hunt once in a week. That's normally enough for me. I mean I'm alone. My horse can also eat grass in case of need. He knows I can't buy him hay all the time. He knows that he usually get hay once in a year. Sometimes twice. But that's rare. But luckily he accept it. He knows that I'm poor. He knows that I feel lonely. He understands me. He come and lay down to me, when I feel bad. That's why I love this horse so much. I hope that Arthur and I will meet again someday. I want to ask him why he just left. And if he didn't love me. I would ask him so much, if my verry bad English will let me. I sigh again. I hate my life.


	2. A new day

I got to bad after I cried my eyes out last night. Now I'm alright again. I go outside, and make my horse ready. We need to go hunt. After few minutes I'm done. I take my bow and double barrel shotgun, and we leave. We ride down the hill and into the forest there. Near the water. After a while, I was able too shoot three thick and big beautiful bucks. I load them on my big black shire horse, and we head home. A total of three hours later we arrive there. I unload the bucks and bring them to the table on my porch. Then I tage the bridle and saddle of my horse, and bring it to its usual place.

Dakota is eating grass outside his stable. The stable has six sepeeste stables rooms inside. Three on each side. But I left the doors open. So now Dakota has the whole stable for himself. He can exit and enter it whenever he want. I skin the bucks. Then I I cut everything that is edible in medium size cubes. Then I throw them into a huge bowl. I put the bowl inside in a bucket with ice cold river water. The bowl is of course bigger than the bucket. It's just for cooling. I take a smaller bowl, and put some meet in there. Then I light up my fireplace. Then I sit down in front of it. I always weare my gunbelt. Even inside. So I have my guns and knife always by my side. I put some meat on my knife and hold it into the fire.

When it's nice and brown I take it out, and carefully eat it. I do this until the bowl is empty. Then I'll put the bowl away. I lay a handkerchief over the cold meet, to keep it clean. The water is so cold that I can store this meet till the end of the week. Then I sit down on my chair again. I have some books written in English. But I don't understand a word. So I can't read books. I don't found one in French here yet. And I'm preety sure I will never find one. I sigh again. I look out the window. It startet to rain heavily. I can see how Dakota is fleeing into his stable. I bet he's glad he has one. But I'm glad to, that I have a roof over my head. I always used my big tent. I mean it's Waterproof. But still, a real roof is beautiful. A real luxury for outlaws. The bad thing is that you can't take a house everywhere. That's why outlaws live in tents. Usually. I love the tent more. You are tre to go wherever you like. But a roof epically for Dakota and me is pretty nice too. I live here since Arthur left me 16 years ago. 

I have no idea where to go with my tent anyway. I don't know América to well, and it's not fun to travel on my own. A gang of outlaws where I can join would be nice. Best the gang where Arthur is in. But that will never come true I guess.   
-  
Hey,

I hope this cooling method seems legit. I mean they didn't had Refrigerators or freezers in 1899 right? I think not. Or did they?


	3. Another day another way

Suddenly I hear thundering hooves on the ground coming closer. What. Why? I don't expect nobody. I grab my double barrel shotgun and pull my black bandana up to cover my mouth and nose. I have lived here for 16 years in peace. And now out of all time someone comes? I wonder who it is. Then I see three horses. A silver one, an albino arabian and an stinging-haired fox Ardennes horse. The last one I saw at a stable. And you always recognize an arabian horse. What do they want? Shit. And suddenly a black haired man kik the door open. All three man don't wear bandanas. Except from the Light brown haired man. He wear a bandana.

,,Give us all of yer money, now!" A deep rough voice with southern accent say.

No this can't be! I would recognize this voice out of thousands. Yes it's a bit deeper then 16 years ago. But this must be him! My eyes widen in shock.

,,Arthur?" I ask.

All three man, specially Arthur, look at me confused.

,,We know each other?" Arthur growls.

I put my bandana down.

,,Maybe remember." I say with my broken English, and strong accent.

Arthur looks confused, before he pull his bandana down.

,,Rowan?"

,,Oui." I say sad.

I lay the shotgun down on the wooden table next to me. So this two man are the ones he joined? Maybe there are more.

,,Je n’ai pas d’argent. (I don't have money.)" I sigh.

,,What?" The black haired man ask with a deep voice.

,,He said he has no money." A grey haired older man translate.

So he's french too? I don't fight against them. Special not against Arthur. If they want to kill me, they should do it.

,,Kill me. Si tu veux. Je dis la vérité. Je suis pauvre. (If you want. I tell the truth. I'm poor.)"

,,He said, If you want. I tell the truth. I'm poor." The older man translate again.

The black haired man point his two guns at me the whole time. I look sad to the ground. 

,,Why Arthur?" I say with my strong French accent. 

,,Wha-" Arthur starts. 

,,Look. I'm sorry Rowan. I was young and stupid. I thought it's better when I leave without telling you. I thought a goodbye would only make it worse. But..."

It's sclient for a while. 

,,But it didn't. It hurt me so bad to just leave you there. Special with the knowledge that you're all alone. That nobody wants you. I had your trust and I-I messed up. I was a fool. But... But I never stopped loving you. Sometimes when I had time for a while, I left camp to hide somewhere and cry. Because I never stopped thinking about you. How I left you back then. I'm so sorry. It was stupid to just leave you alone. I..."

,,Je comprends Arthur. Tu es aussi seul et abandonné que moi. Contrairement à moi, tu as une chance d’avoir une nouvelle vie. À ta place, je n’aurais pas refusé la chance." I say. 

And the older man translate again. Thank God. 

,,He said, I understand Arthur. You was just as lonely and abandoned as I was. Unlike me, you got a chance to live a new life. In your place, I wouldn't have turned down the chance too." 

I can see how shocked and confused the two other man are, and how torn and panicked and sad Arthur is. Then I look to the ground again. The black haired man meanwhile, never stopped to aim his guns at me. 

,,But I loved you. I still do. It was stupid to leave you behind. You had it far worse then me. You had parents, but got draged away from France to America, just to got thrown away like garbage. You couldn't even say goodbye to them. And it hurts so bad that I left you behind." Arthur sobs.

,,Yes we both had nothing. Yes, we both just wanted to be loved and accepted. And then we fell in love. We were a happy couple for two months. And I just left. As if I had never felt anything. But I felt something. Love. And I still love you. I was an idiot. Please forgive me if you can. I don't force you to." He sobs.

,,I forgive you." I sigh.

,,Really?"

,,Yes. Farewell Arthur." I whisper.

Everybody know that I still think that the black haired will shoot me.

,,Dutch pleas don't." Arthur sobs.

But the man who is called Dutch don't stop aiming at me.

,,I need air." Arthur sobs.

I lift my head. I see how he turn arround and leave. He mount his horse and dissappear. I sigh sad. Then I look to the ground again.

,,Do it then." I say sad.

And suddenly he....


End file.
